Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
i love accidental penises.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
