i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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