We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
