Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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