i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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