Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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