it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
