You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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