Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
