The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
