Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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