How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize