your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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