This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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