I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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