My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
