She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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