Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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