Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
