i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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