i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
