Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
