I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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