smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My liver just broke up with me...
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize