Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
