Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
