No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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