I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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