dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
