just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
