I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
