Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
