Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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