the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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