I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap