First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
