p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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