also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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