WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
