If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
