dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
