You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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