saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
