God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
