in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
