woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
