omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
