I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
