Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
