does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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