Betty ford says i'm here all night
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
