we have pet lesbian snakes
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
