Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
