You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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