It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
