dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
