I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
