So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
