Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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