is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
